Aged 18, I was introduced to Christianity in a way that inspired me to find out more. Combined with reading and some experiences in prayer, I decided to become ‘a committed Christian’.
After travelling and university I joined a very large, city evangelical church. The teaching was thoughtful and there was a real buzz about the church. The leaders were well known across the UK and internationally.
In our small world they were ‘famous’ and many of us craved to be known by them. Looking back, the church had some similar characteristics to a cult. The people who were seen as ‘prophetic’ were given a lot of importance and full time Christian workers were seen as ‘the frontline’ over and above those who were doing ‘normal’ jobs. It felt like a two tier system and the devaluation of secular workers caused problems and resentment. In my opinion, they were the ones who were truly on ‘the frontline’ (if you choose to use that terminology). There was a big emphasis on evangelism, reaching the poor and on being ‘overcomers’.
Most of the leaders were good people who meant well and certainly didn’t want to be idolised. The leaders under them were very protective of them, so it began to be quite hard to speak honestly and constructively.
Core church members were extremely busy because that was seen as important and valuing, after all, we were ‘bringing the Kingdom in’. We rarely socialised with each other in a leisurely and relaxed way. The church had a very intense work ethic.
I was a youth worker for the church and I received a small stipend for my time. Some of the people in secular jobs were critical of me for not being willing to work on my day off. They did the church work on a voluntary basis on top of their own work and they thought us church workers had it easy.
On top of the youth work I was ‘senior resident’ in a house for vulnerable people. It was a church project but had its own little charity. Two of the trustees formed an unhelpful alliance within the committee and insisted I did not need any respite or support because ‘it was just like living with friends.’ I had to go in front of a church panel to discuss this fall out and the husband of one of these women was on the panel! It was very inappropriate and both a horrible and completely bewildering experience for me.
I was single and for some reason people felt it was ok to ask me intrusive questions about my finance, my sexuality and how I used my time. For a number of years the main leaders really liked me and I threw myself into it all. I had been ‘prophesied’ over and told I was going to be key to bringing many young people ‘into the Kingdom’ in the UK. The future looked bright and exciting.
I come from a family where disagreement is allowed, even encouraged. This meant I did speak up when I thought things could be better. I was always polite. To this day I do not know what I did but I suddenly seemed to fall out of favour with two of the top leaders I was closest to. When that happened others followed the leaders’ opinion and I felt very exposed and judged.
These leaders were having trouble with the leaders above them so it was all a mess. The hurt and confusion was caused by a toxic mix of insecurities, emotional immaturity and naivety. We all played a part in that dynamic. The labelling of me being ‘the problem’ led me to losing trust in my conscience and ability to make good judgements.
Another leader, seeing the way I was being treated, insisted on having a meeting with the leaders who had changed their attitude towards me and the two most senior leaders. I found out about these meetings months later and although I really appreciated this man’s support I felt a bit like a child who was being talked about in a parent/teacher consultation! I was an adult and needed to be informed and included. It said something about the culture we had built in the church.
I struggled with low mood and couldn’t leave the church because I had no energy to go and restart elsewhere. A lot of my friends were in the church so it was very much ‘my life’. When I finally did leave I didn’t attend any church for a long time and prayer was close to impossible because you meet yourself in prayer and I found meeting myself and, therefore, facing the pain of it all was too difficult.
The church wasn’t all bad. I learnt a lot of good things there. The toxicity might not have impacted me so gravely if the church had been one hundred percent very obviously bad. It was the confusion of it all that was so difficult precisely because it wasn’t black and white. The church had some very good points entangled in with the very bad points.
The leaders who changed their mind about me also stopped going to church. In the course of my work, I met them years later and we had some good and positive discussions.
This is my story. I have learnt that empowerment comes from unravelling confusion by understanding more clearly the processes and complexities that have hurt us. Talking it through in counselling sessions and grasping more of the truth about what had happened to me was very freeing.
I have been a counsellor since 2006. I work with family groups, couples, individuals and adolescents. I also trained as a Franciscan Spiritual Director in 2017 and offer spiritual accompaniment.
– Hilary Marshall
If you’d like to get in touch with Hilary or find out more about her counselling and spiritual direction work, you can visit her website here.
