I never planned to become a Spiritual Nomad. It has taken me by surprise but I guess it was inevitable. I obtained a B.Sc (Hons) in Pure Mathematics at University, being fascinated by the order and mystery behind complex numbers and algebra. There I met with Christians whose warm acceptance drew me to the Christian faith. So, the blessed trinity of mystery, order and warm acceptance were what I sought and found with a feeling of belonging. I discovered I could tell stories and make people laugh; I loved progressive music and played folk guitar – quite the long-haired student!
After graduating I was invited to be trainee Pastor of a conservative evangelical church where I learnt to love the Bible, to love people and to do what I was told. I stayed there for 12 years and during that time I fell for a lovely young lady from the Brethren (still married). We had a mutual interest in Spanish and mission, and this led us to become “church planters” in southern Spain. I guess our time in pastoral work had ended and moving to Spain was a peaceful inevitability. I felt at home among the olive groves and loved the language and folklore of Andalusia where we brought up four children. Living in a small, white-walled village these were happy days of open-air evangelism, pastoring a small emerging Spanish church.
After another 12 years we were invited to move to Pastor a large Spanish Baptist church in Valencia and this held untold challenges. We were to make many a close friend and the church activity was fulfilling, but unknowingly I had inherited a church with deep divisions and was not prepared for the fierce disagreements lying dormant among key families. This British pastor who was unanimously voted in soon became the target when some didn’t get their own way. I did what I knew best to bring peace through hard work, preaching and pastoral care but in the end the church split, I suffered a breakdown and clinical depression, and was brought home. Instead of mystery, order and warmth I had discovered an unholy trinity of disappointment, disorder and rejection! Church was no longer a safe place. The things I had relied on had let me down, and though loved by many, from others I had never felt such hatred.
I went through a dark, dark night where it seemed like nothing made sense, as the things I had relied on crumbled. This led to a deep disappointment in God and in colleagues who I felt had let me down. I couldn’t pray or think of God, I stopped reading the Bible and I wanted contact with no-one; the prolonged experience of dealing with intense pastoral pressure left me losing my sense of self. I felt like a boat in a storm with nothing nailed down and no guiding star!
Relief came as a result of returning to UK, and to therapy, much rest, a loving wife and family, and I learnt to meditate, my personal Mindfulness practice enabling me to ground myself once more. I applied to Waverley College for counselling training which gave me the space to open up and be vulnerable, and among kind, friendly colleagues I found my self again and re-discovered my sense of humour and fun. Eventually I was asked to join the teaching staff, going on to obtain a Masters in Counselling Studies. I stopped trying to work things out and decided to live the questions.
I now hold my beliefs in an open hand but I know what it’s like to find your way “home” to your own heart both spiritually and mentally. I personally still profess a Christian faith and though I occasionally attend, am ambivalent as regards church. I am drawn to Eastern psychology with its emphasis on unconditional kindness and connectedness. I now respect the essence of all Spiritual approaches and celebrate the many paths that explore Spirituality. I am open to work with the faith system (any or none) of any client.
I have been counselling for 19 years and as a therapist my beliefs now reflect a holistic religion – an open-hearted approach that respects the essence of all Spiritual approaches. I believe that human beings, irrespective of their personal ideology, have a Spiritual self and an inherent goodness. This is seen in a capacity to self-actualise, to attain and express their higher self, their true self, the capacity they were born with. These reflect my Person Centred counselling approach but have become my life beliefs.
I see the Therapeutic Relationship as the “crucible of change” where the client can begin to grow in self-awareness and self-acceptance to be able to make sensible choices. Sometimes all a client needs is to just tell their story and be listened to. Above all I believe that self-compassion is key for the client to reach full acceptance and find the atmosphere for change to occur. So that is my story which is ongoing, living my life in the moment with kindness and compassion. My aim is to bring that kindness into the counselling room offering a warm non-judgemental space where the trinity of mystery, order and acceptance can be found or re-discovered.
– Phil Shepherd