A Place For All Stories

Have you ever felt there was no place for your story… no place to say how your life is or has been? I hold stories and narratives as an important part of life, offering connection, wisdom and transformation.

I’m aware, through my work and own life experiences, that stories need a place to be told, heard and honoured. Some stories don’t find such a place within faith communities. For whatever reason, it’s not safe to tell, they’re not heard, or unhelpful and, at times, untrue narratives are placed upon them.

Needing a place, when life was exceptionally hard, to tell my own story drew me to counselling. This experience led me, some years later, to train as a counsellor and supervisor, and I have been in the profession since 2008. Through the training, I learnt to sit with “not knowing”, and this, in turn, opened the door to mystery with respect to faith — which continues to be important to me — a far cry from where I’d started.

As a teenager, I’d joined a vibrant evangelical, charismatic church. I was drawn by the stories told of how things were and what I needed to do to be certain of life turning out well.

I relished the opportunity for community and discovering greater meaning and purpose in life. I threw myself into this community and serving God. This resulted in me being sent out by the church, just before turning 21, to serve as a missionary in a Spanish rehabilitation community. I spent 7 years there, returning home with a husband of nearly 3 years and a baby. There were negative narratives about us leaving the community, but I had no language at the time for what I would now call a high-control environment.

Life continued in the UK, with two more children added to our family and involvement in my home church. However, there was much going on that couldn’t be said. This continued for years, even after realising that I’d experienced abuse within my marriage, leaving the marriage and my husband’s sudden death at his own hands a few months later.

This was not how the stories of marriage and family I’d heard worked out. But neither did I experience the church family drawing close with support.

It was during the years since my return to the UK — years of isolation within a large faith community — that my faith was gradually, at times imperceptibly, changing. Now I might use the word deconstructing.

What I had been told to expect if you served God and behaved in certain ways didn’t happen for me and my family. So, of course, as the teaching went, I assumed there must be something wrong with me, or I’d done something wrong. Seeking to make sense of this impacted me in many ways.

Throughout, I continued to have a faith, but it felt very different to those that I met in church or what was preached. But, of course, I couldn’t say anything and rock the boat — I needed to continue to feel I had a place there.

It’s now 22 years since my husband’s death, and my life and faith has continued to change and evolve. I’ve been actively involved in a couple of inclusive Anglican churches as I’ve moved down the country, but that’s not been easy, and I am very aware of the hurt churches can cause. I describe myself as Christian but recognise that looks very different to where I started. I’m connected with various expressions of Christian community which I experience as life-giving, rather than traditional church attendance.

I describe my life now as spiritually rich, knowing a freedom, depth and variety that had been previously absent. I value various spiritual practices, including contemplation, time in nature and expressions of community that are present as a dog owner.

This is my story, which I’m aware may help you to feel less isolated in yours — and that is why I share it now. I recognise that your life experiences may be very different, and even if there are similarities, if we were working together, it’s yours and what it means to you that is the focus.

I am there for you — able to hear, hold and honour your story, whatever part or parts of it you choose to share with me. Journeying for as long as is useful for you. I believe I am aided in that the years have brought wisdom to my life and work, as well as practical experience of connecting, and holding space for individuals of all ages and families.

I work with individuals of all ages and family groups, regardless of relationship. I provide specific support for parents/carers as well as young adults, young people and children. Most of my work can be provided online as well as in person.

– Vicky Bell